another spell of inertia. endless scrolling of the same apps, the same pages. i feel nauseous, but continue to scroll i must. at least that’s the impulse. to break from that cycle i bring myself to write. but what to write about?
my insides are filled with muck. it is making me sick. and i must expel it all out. but just like literal muck, my thoughts are mashed into a slurry of inseparable stuff. i recognize that this inability to bring out in clear terms the “stuff” that clouds my vision is partly because of my unwilling to face feelings and thoughts i am afraid of having. a defence mechanism of sorts. this cowardice is the reason that i reach out for these apps where the mindless and endless scrolling can numb me to avoid the uncomfortable. this is the reason why i eat. i realise i have been stress eating. but that’s a topic for another time.
today i want to talk about what i have been doing since last night. a certain beauty pageant has kept me glued to my phone. i do not understand myself. i am drawn to pageants i won’t lie, almost to an obsessive degree. but i find myself viewing these cultural phenomena with a certain cynicism. aspirational obsession and cynicism – two attitudes i don’t know how to reconcile.
it is perhaps the world of glamour, fame and the focus of admiration that pageantry affords that reels me in. as much as a want to say i don’t care about glamour, fame or attention, i cannot truthfully and with absolute certainty claim that. why? i don’t know. is it human nature? or has it been culturally bred? – remnants of childhood experiences.
this intense private indulgence with beauty pageants i dare not reveal in public. i feel almost ashamed about this obsession. i am not unique in holding such an obsession, i am sure of it. but i hold myself accountable to certain values that tell me there is something morally shameful in putting glamour, fame and vanity on revered pedestals. and so my obsession is to be a secret. but because it is a secret, because i cannot rage about it loudly, it cannot be exorcised.
god help me.
as an atheist, am i doomed?